“Returning from a run to purchase $450 worth of Koo-Koo-Roo, John, the career P.A., indicated I retrieve a film canister from the backseat of his Chevy Tahoe. “You ever smoked hash?” He asked in a tone that implied, regardless of my response, hash-smoking would happen in the following moments.”—Clem Rorsch, via Madatoms.
"I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I’ve been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here’s your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don’t really want to be alive anymore."
* Perceive the question. * Form a hypothesis (null hypothesis). * Test the hypothesis. * Congratulations! You’ve either proved your hypothesis, or failed miserably. Readjust hypothesis as necessary and give it another shot.
The Scientific Method (Stoned)
* Perceive the question. Ponder the meaning of the word “perceive”. Let your tongue roll over its curious syllables. * Forget the question. Fantasize about pancakes for thirty seconds. Realize you’ve been thinking about pancakes “for like EVER” and panic. Confirm that only thirty seconds have passed. Resume pancake fantasy. * Remember the question. * Forget the question. Play with car keys. * Remember the question again. * Form a hypothesis. Bonus points if pancake fantasy sneaks into hypothesis. * Make an elaborate illustration of the hypothesis. In Sharpie. On your body. Illustration may include pirates / monkeys. * Test the hypothesis. Check to ensure that there are no witnesses to your madness. Cackle like mad and resume test. * Congratulations! You’ve either proved your hypothesis, or you’ve been bathed in the disgusting vomit of your own failures (perhaps literally). * Acquire pancakes, goddammit.